too often i wonder what these people are thinking. i want to reach in their heads and rip them apart - in order to understand who they are. i wonder if they are crying out for help from their minds - their egos. i wonder why i feel the need to wonder these things. i wish they'd stop staring at me with so much contempt - or is that compassion?
my world is too self-centered. i point too many fingers and i, like so many others, am too quick to cast the first stone. i am not perfect. i know this, but these people are driving me insane and i often wish the worst of things for them.
do i feel sorry for myself? sometimes i wish i could curl up in a ball and sleep forever, but as it is i haven't slept in several days - why? are these issues pressing so heavily on my mind that they will even disturb my ability to sleep? there's a bottle of codeine on the counter of my bathroom. it scares me. i'm afraid of it. it's a key to dreaming again, but i refuse to sink that low.
i can't even understand the minds of the people i know. i fear they are always keeping things from me. it seems they never tell me anything and then i find out from the wrong people. am i being lied to? or is the truth being held from me for my own sake? sometimes it really is better off if i don't know, but i want to know everything.
are these all misunderstandings? why do we hurt the ones we love? we all make mistakes, it wouldn't hurt anyone if they didn't love us, but why do we make mistakes? why is it so hard to be perfect? (i forgive you - let's start over, every kiss is worth a million smiles).
so we must hope. without hope we are nothing. without hope life truly is the pointless bunch of shit that i often think it is. without hope there is absolutely no reason to live. and yet there still seems to be no purpose. i refuse to give up. i refuse to surrender my sense of hope and feeling. i refuse to give into the idea that love is not real, even if i hate most of the people i interact with on a daily basis.
i am paranoid.
so anyways...i walked away from the walls last night only to run into more tears on the way down the steps and sometimes i stand still and listening for the trains to come hoping they will run over me and then i realize i'm not standing on the track so i keep on moving. there aren't any cars out at three in the morrning so i go knocking on people's windows and sometimes those people pull guns on me and shoot me in the face cuz they don't think i'm straight in the head...but hell i wouldn't blame em.